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The Pizza Party Official Platform

“In Crust We Trust"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Party Leadership:

  • Committee Chair: Pepperoni Pizza

  • Deputy Committee Chair: Cheese Pizza

  • Office of the Tossing of the Dough: Joshua Waldman

  • Office of the Fermenting of the Cheese: Maxwell Copans

  • Office of the Spreading of the Sauce: Sean Medeiros

  • Office of the Choosing of the Toppings: Jack Emerling

 

Official Party Platform, of which complete adherence to is required by all members:

Preamble:

As great and free consumers of the pizza, we seek a world in which pizza is a human right, and that none shall be deprived of this right. We believe that the right to a society based on the sacred values of pizza shall, under any duress and forevermore, not be withheld from the people.

 

Economics:

• We demand a pizza-based economy.

• That all citizens shall be duly salaried and taxed in pizza,

• We demand a minimum wage of two slices of pizza per hour.

• We believe that corporations are not people with the exception of pizza companies including, but not limited to: Pizza Hut, Dominoes, Little Caesars, Cici’s and Papa John’s.

• Companies not enumerated in this document shall be hereby granted equal access to the privileges given to those herein mentioned, with the express approval of the Official Party Subcommittee on Economic Solidarity.

• All pizza debts must be repaid as soon as the creditor is hungry

• The pizza industry shall be hereby nationalized, and complete control of the entire industry shall be run by the new-efficient State. Any privatization or unionization will be immediately crushed and unionizers will be boiled in the sauce of justice.

 

Judiciary system:

In line with Habeas Corpus, all criminals will receive a fair and speedy trial, although to decrease corruption, a new form of trial will be introduced known as “Trial By Pizza”
The Rules for a “Trial By Pizza” are as follow:

• Each man will be judged by a kitchen of his peers.

• The taste test is performed by both belligerents making and presenting their best slice; whoever’s slice is voted “Chosen” by the kitchen shall be declared victor. We believe that the victor’s pizza has been blessed, and thereby “Chosen”, by our reigning god, Pontiff of the Pizza, who is eternally and forever righteous.

 

Foreign Policy:

• We demand that the United States immediately withdraws from all international organizations except for the Pizza Liberation Front(PLF), The North American Pizza Treaty Organization (NAPTO) and the Pizza Union (PU).

• We demand that the US begin a campaign of total war against the organization known as ISIS. They have thoroughly disgraced the name of the Pontiff of the Pizza, and shall pay the price. Any and all means at our disposal shall be used in the destruction of these pizza-bourgeois.

• We demand all terrorists be evacuated from Guantanamo and replaced with those convicted of crimes against pizza.

• We wish to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with a great pizza party that the US, Palestine, Israel and other major world powers will be invited too. Drinks shall be served. BYO desserts.

• We believe that the Commander-in-Chief of the United States should no longer be the POTUS, but should be General S.S. Pizza-Cutter. (Stainless Steel)

• We will immediately declare war on and condemn the WHO for disgracing the greatest pizza topping of all time: bacon. The Pizza Research Committee will do their own research to determine whether or not bacon is truly “carcinogenic.”

 

Education

Each morning, in all educational institutions across the land, will begin with the viewing of “The Birth of a Pizza”, adapted from The Divine Cookbook. This film, an awe-inspiring instruction on the making of our doughy right, will be made the official film of our nation. Mandatory viewing is required daily by all who wish to remain accepted by the Committee of Education and the Propagation of Respect for the Righteous Mixture of Ingredients. Any violations by students shall be punished under the new court system laid out in the preceding Pillar of the Party concerning justice.

• We believe that the greatest skill for posterity to learn is the process by which pizza is created. Schooling shall be divided up into four Great Teachings, which are: The Growth of the Grains and Vegetables Required for Pizza, The Sacred and Honorable Making of Pizza, The Advent of the Politicalization of Pizza and Its Glorious Consequences, and The Widely-Known Health Benefits of the Consumption of Pizza.

 

Rights and Privileges

• We believe that all pizzas, no matter their toppings, crust, sauce, cheese, or whether they’re vegan, vegetarian or meat pizzas, shall not be discriminated against.

• We believe that all non-pizza foods are inedible and unhealthy unless they are somehow a part of the pizza. Anyone caught consuming any food other than pizza will be forced to stand Trial by Pizza by the Supreme Court of the United States of America for High Treason and crimes against pizza.

• The only exception to the rights enumerated herein are the pizzas produced by the Bonkers Corporation. These pizzas have been fully and justly investigated by faithful party members, and the official conclusion deems that all Bonkers pizza shall be hereby destroyed. Any man, woman, or child found creating, selling, or in any other way consuming or distributing Bonkers pizza shall be boiled in the Sauce Of Liberty. The law of Trial by Pizza is waived in this case, as has been decided upon by the Party. While we respect other pizzas and their right to self-expression, we believe that our society cannot withstand the agenda of the Bonkers pizza. Our foundation is on non-Bonkers pizza; it shall remain so.

 

Labor:

• We demand the dissolution of all labor unions except those involved in the craft of pizza-making, including but not limited to: the National Association of Pizzeria Operators (NAPO), The Tomato Grower’s Union (TGU), The Dough Tosser’s Association (DTA) and Pepperoni Slicers Guild (PSG).

• We demand that “Labor Day” be officially changed to “Pizza Day”, where all Americans celebrate the great workers of the Pizza Industry.

 

Transportation:

• Transportation will be based around the movement of pizza ingredients, and the delivery of pizzas to pizza consumers.

• The Great Pizza Party will make sure that all pizzas are delivered to customers in 30 minutes or less, and deliverers who fail to do so will be made into sausages for meat lover’s pizza.

• Public transportation will always be provided for those who are going to eat pizza, or are going to work in the pizza sector.

 

Environment and Energy:

We recognize that we must have a safe and clean environment for our children to flourish and grow, produce and consume pizza in. Because of this we have some steps to make the world a safer place for pizza.

• We do not support GMP(Genetically Modified Pizzas) all pizzas and their ingredients must be safe for must be pure pizza, untainted.

• We believe that all energy must be produced from pizza power (the boiling of pizza sauce to produce electricity).

• We believe that the best way to save the environment is cover the entire world in sauce and cheese, with some toppings.

• More research should be put into farming pizza.

 

A Cheesier America is a better America. We at the Pizza Party envision a future where every man, woman and child will bathe in tomato sauce, have pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner and dine on only the finest toppings our great and saucy nation has to offer. Only the most flavorful cheeses will be baked in our pizza and only the crispiest of dough will be used. We respect pizza minority rights, like New York Style, Chicago and others that are often oppressed by the flavorless majority. Pizza Diversity is the key to a successful nation.