First Day of Work
“I’m glad you chose to work for us Tom; I think you’re really going to like it here at Generic Corporation. We have a very high rate of job satisfaction and we treat our employees very well.”, said Dom.
“I’m excited to work here,”Tom said, half-listening. He was more focused on taking in the building, a run-of-the-mill office building with large glass panes and rectangular shape. A thin strip of grass and vegetation stands before the sidewalks and parking lot, it leaves a small area to stand out amongst the drabness of civilization.
Tom still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to work there; he wasn’t really the office guy type. Yet, the benefits and pay seemed almost too good to be true for the work he was doing, and the office was just down the street, so the forces of convenience inevitably persuaded him to take it.
“...So this is the front door,” Tom heard Dom say as his brain snapped back to attention, ”remember to ALWAYS take the door on the left, not on the right.”
Tom figured the door on the right must be broken or something, but he pushed the issue a little out of boredom.
“What if I do take the door on the right, will you like send a bunch of goons to beat me up or something,” Tom remarked behind an obviously light-hearted and joking smile.
Dom didn’t find the joke so funny, “Just don’t do it, it’s against the rules, got it?”
The remark caught Tom off guard, as it was a complete change of tone from Dom’s earlier casual conversation.
“Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Tom uttered, stumbling over his own words out of embarrassment.
“Ok then”, said Dom. His serious expression quickly snapped back to a smile, “Well let’s head inside then.”
Dom led Tom over to the punch-in clock. “This is where you’ll fill out your time card and punch in every day, why don’t you go ahead and fill one out and put it in the box?”
Tom filled out the time card, and proceeded to put it in the slit right side up, but was interrupted as Dom slammed his hand against the metal box with a hollow THUD and placed his face inches from Tom’s.
“...What do you think you’re doing,” said Dom, not wavering in his hard stare.
“...Filling out my time card?”, Tom responded, confused.
Dom snatched to time card out of hand, and turned it sideways, “The slit in the box is designed so that you put the time card in sideways, not right side up, do you understand?”
“No”
“If I wanted you to put in the time card right side up…”
“But what difference does it ma…”
“IF I WANTED YOU TO PUT THE TIME CARD IN RIGHT SIDE UP,” Dom said, raising his voice, “THEN I WOULD’VE MADE THE SLIT ABLE TO FIT THE CARD RIGHT SIDE UP AND NOT HORIZONTALLY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
“Y-yes”, Tom said, clearly shaken.
“Good, follow me.”
Dom began to walk off. Tom stood there for a second shell-shocked. He looked over at the receptionist, who didn’t even seem phased by the clearly ludicrous situation that just played out before her. After a few seconds, Tom started after Dom, although he wasn’t sure why.
Dom was still talking in his excited and business-friendly manner. He seemed to have pretty much forgotten the encounter only seconds ago.
Tom was led into the offices, where a few dozen or so employees sat quietly in cubicles hard at work. By this point, Tom’s nerves were back to normal, he had assured himself that the whole time card debacle was simply one of Dom’s pet peeves he’d have to be aware of. This was just a normal office.
“Guten Tag, Jennifer”, Dom said to one of the employees at her computer.
“Guten Tag,” she responded.
She must be German, Tom thought, until she started speaking to Dom in English with an American accent, “Is this the new guy?”
“This is Tom, he’s going to be replacing… Sara,” he said almost reluctantly.
“Guten Tag,” she said to Tom, smiling sweetly.
Tom, understandably confused, responded with a simple, “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Jennifer’s smile quickly vanished, her face turned beet red and a look of terror grew on her face.
Before Tom could question her, Dom was once again in his face, “What did you just say to your co-worker?”
“Hello?”
“No, you said ‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ You said that on German Thursday. ‘Hi, nice to meet you’ is reserved for generic response Monday.”
“Sorry I didn’t know,” Tom managed to utter.
“Didn’t know? DIDN’T KNOW?! You did hear us both utter the words ‘Guten Tag’ did you not?”
“Yes but I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal if…”
“Tom, this business has a long and storied history with important rules that have kept this business the success it is for decades. And you think you can just come in here, and change everything.”
“I...I,” all Tom could manage was a shrug.
“DID YOU JUST SHRUG?!?!?!?!” Dom screamed.
“Yes…”
“SHRUGGING IS NOT ALLOWED IN THE FIRST WEEK OF EACH MONTH, WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT?”
“I didn’t know--it’s only my first day…”
“DIDN’T KNOW? DO YOU EVEN WANT THIS JOB? DO YOU EVEN GIVE A SHI…”
“You know what!” shouted Tom, “This isn’t worth it, I’ll find a job somewhere else.”
“Somewhere else,” Dom asked, confused, “But… why would you want to work anywhere else?”
“This just isn’t worth it, the silly non-sensical rules it’s not worth my time ok? I’m leaving.”
“I’m sorry Tom, but I’m afraid I can’t allow you to do that,” said Dom, his expression became more serious, he looked almost possessed.
“Look, you’re freaking me out a little, I’m just gonna go.”
Tom turned around and tried to run out the door, but an unknown force shut it in front of him. He tried to open it, but the door wouldn’t budge. A look of panic crept across his face. Tom turned around to face the rest of the office--all the employees were now just standing, staring at Tom expressionless.
“There’s a reason why we have high employee satisfaction, why our synergy is the best in the region. Generic Corp. has made a name for itself through undying, unbreakable loyalty. Every employee is part of our family, and now you’re a part of our family too Tom.”
Dom began to laugh maniacally. The formerly composed Dom was now rolling on the floor uttering piercing hoots and cackles from the bottom of his lungs. The other employees began to follow suit, all screeching in laughter. The weird thing was, Tom didn’t find the whole situation strange or terrifying anymore. In fact it was almost… funny.
Soon enough, Tom was amongst those laughing. He laughed and laughed over the fact that he had sold his life to this company, that there would be no more Tom anymore, that there was only Generic Corp. He laughed away the fact that he would be working 16 hour days for little pay, because he was part of the family now. Now he would be putting his timecard in sideways, and he would walk in the door on the left and he would make sure to never shrug on the first week of every month and Tuesday was always Wear a Plant on Your Head Tuesday and you always took off your right shoe and wiggled your toes whenever you heard a plane fly overhead. It all just made so much sense now, of course you had to follow these rules, they weren’t silly or inane they were put there for a purpose. It amazed Tom that not every company had these rules in place and he realized how meaningless his life had been before Generic Corp.
After everyone stopped laughing, Tom shuffled over to his desk and immediately began working. Dom smiled in approval, “They always submit eventually.”