Nietzsche's Niche
A Message From the Author:
In case the title did not enlighten you, I am Friedrich “Everything is Pointless” Nietzsche, renowned German philosopher, and mustache enthusiast. You may be wondering how this is possible, as I am veritably dead. While I most certainly was deceased, I have returned from the void of the universe to dispense my wise words of wisdom to the unfortunate. That would be you, my dear reader. So please, ask me anything, as I apparently have all of time to answer questions.
I would tell you to enjoy my lessons, but as we all know, joy is an illusion.
~~~
Dear Nietzsche,
I am concerned about my future.
I just don’t know what
I want to be when I grow up.
My parents want me to be a doctor,
but I think that being a hairstylist would
be more fun. What do you think I should do?
Jerome
Dear Jerome,
Your ideas are terrible. Although I dislike doctors,
as they delay the inevitable onset of death,
hairstylist may be the most repugnant so-called “profession”
I have ever heard of in my entire,
apparently endless, existence. That being said,
your future is already the past in the grand scheme of existence.
To answer your question, it does not matter.
~~~
Dear Nietzschy,
OMG so my best friend like unfollowed
me on Instagram and i like so need
to go to starbucks right now and
like get a pumpkin spice latte.
Kourtnai
Dear “Kourtnai”
Was that a question, or were you simply trying to confuse me with
your overwhelming air of ignorance. No. You do not deserve a response from' me. Goodbye.
(P.S. I hope by “OMG” you did not mean “Oh My God,” as I have already slain him.)
~~~
Dear Nietzsche,
It has been brought to my attention that
many of my students have been
consulting you for advice.
I took the liberty to read over some of your responses,
and I must say that I am truly appalled.
Our children are our future, and they need
all the support they can get. Telling them that
nothing matters will only hinder their development.
May I suggest being less harsh with your answers?
Archibald Von Schmetterling,
Professor
Dear Professor Schmetterling,
I must admit, I rather like your name. I do not have the pleasure of saying this very often, but “Bold Butterfly” may be the most beautiful name I have ever laid eyes on.
As for your request, however,
I am disgusted. Surely a man of academics such as
yourself understands the futility of effort.
Simply allow for their young minds to return to a state of nature.
~~~
Deer Neetcha,
my name is joEy? and i am
for yeers uld and my parints ar
beeing meanes do yoo wana play wid mee?
joEy?
Dear “JoEy?”
I do not believe that I have ever wanted to do anything less.
If you are going to play with anything, exercise your mind,
and you will soon understand the pointlessness of anything else.
~~~
Dear Nietzsche,
I’ve been having a really tough time in school.
I signed up for all AP and honors classes,
but I didn’t realize that it would be so overwhelming.
To top it all off, I play on the basketball team and
participate in drama club. I barely have time to do
my homework and I haven’t been getting enough sleep.
As a result, my grades are dropping.
My parents and my teachers keep telling
me to do better, but I don’t know how!
What should I do?
Nora
Dear Nora,
It is such a beautiful thing, to fall deeper and deeper into the Void.
You will never escape it. The crushing weight of existence ultimately
drowns us all, myself excluded. Revel in your failures, and
understand that these are all the symptoms of our arbitrary,
pointless existence. Struggle to attain greatness on our insignificant rock
or let everything slip away from your grasp like sand in
the hands of a child, it matters not. Your accomplishments will
not be remembered, nor will you. I hope that answers your question.